In a Nutshell
My life changed in one day’s time… when I had my wisdom teeth removed. I’ve now been chronically ill for over 23 years with several significant medical issues that took many years to get properly diagnosed and are still not resolved. (Don’t worry, I still recommend the dentist, haha- these issues are very rare and specific to my case, but I happened to be that “one.”) I ended up being diagnosed with osteonecrosis (dead bone) of the jaw, in part due to a terrible infection in the bone, and in part due to a rare genetic mutation I did not know I have which affects cells of the jaw bone upon surgery or tooth extraction. Because of this, I did have proper blood flow to the initial surgical sites for healing to occur, and it has greatly impacted (and still impacts) the efficacy of treatments and subsequent surgeries in my case. Because this went undiagnosed for so many years, it had a significant systemic effect on my body and caused many other medical issues that have been quite challenging to treat.
I’ve had 26 surgeries with more on the way, and I have a highly unusual iron metabolism issue as a result of this. Additionally, a terrible mistake was made in my case years into this illness. Medically speaking, I should not be alive today because of that mistake, but here I am, so I know God has a plan. I was pretty much housebound for 10 years, and while I’m thankfully no longer housebound, I live in a lot of pain and have physical limitations that require me to need help doing some basic things. I look fine, but I live with a constant headache, severe muscle pain, daily vomiting, food intolerances, immune issues, etc. I’ve endured a lot of loss, including the loss of my father who died of cancer in 2009. The story does not end there though!
My life looks nothing like I thought or hoped it would- I don’t have my health, the career I wanted, or a husband and children (at least not yet), but my faith has grown to a depth that I didn’t even know was possible as the Lord invited me to surrender to Him! I have a different view of everything now, understanding that being the woman God created me to be is not dependent on circumstances, and knowing that growing closer to God, getting to heaven, and helping others to do the same is all that really matters! God is teaching me so much about the cross and suffering, surrender, discernment, accompaniment, hope, joy, freedom, etc. in the midst of my trials. God completely transformed my heart, I fell in love with God, and the faith truly came alive to me! I have an incredible burn in my heart to share the faith with others! Now, God is sustaining me as I give numerous talks and missions. I thought I needed to be healthy, with all of this behind me for Him to bring good out of this, but He had something much deeper in mind- to work in the midst of the mess. And that He is doing!
Faith Background
I’m a cradle Catholic who grew up going to Mass and Catholic school. If you had asked me in high school how my faith was, I would’ve said that it was where it needed to be. Ha! Theres’s nothing like long-term suffering to make you reevaluate such an assessment. Once I got sick, I realized that I was unprepared to suffer despite the faith foundation I am grateful to have received. There was a lot more I needed to learn about the faith!
When my health situation didn’t resolve quickly, some people exited my life. It took many years for me to even get properly diagnosed, and it was hard for people understand my situation. Two of my friends even mentioned suicide to me, saying that this was too hard on my parents and me. Their comments were not malicious but rather out of a false sense of compassion because we often don’t understand suffering or what to do with it. In all of this, I realized that I had been unconsciously putting far too much importance on events, other people, and even ice cream- anything to look forward to basically, when what I needed to focus on was God. Absolutely everything is fleeting except for God!
I knew I had to bulk up on my faith and learn a lot more if I was going to get through this, but I had a lot of “why” questions. I was angry with God for allowing this to happen, and I felt that He loved others (who had smoother lives) more than He loved me. I struggled with the fact that I was never where I was “supposed to be” in life and never where others my age (or even those older or younger) were. I wanted to be healed and knew He could heal me, but why wasn’t that happening? Why do bad things happen to good people?
So I embarked on quite the faith journey- learning as much as I could via spiritual direction, spending time in adoration, listening to extra homilies, reading scripture, the Catechism, articles, and books, listening to podcasts, going to daily Mass more frequently, etc. I had so much to learn about surrender and opening my heart to Him. I had to let go of “my way” and “my ideas” to really learn how to discern and hear His voice, all the while accepting that He doesn’t always step in to prevent suffering. I had to bulldoze some of the (well-intentioned) things I had heard or been taught about the Catholic faith that were inaccurate, and I had to bulk up on things such as the Catholic teaching on the cross and redemptive suffering. It has not been (and still isn’t) an easy road, but Jesus has been walking with me every step of the way. God has had a plan all along, and it has always been for good.
In the process of learning more about my faith out of desperation to stay afloat, I got to know God in a depth I hadn’t even realized was possible. He has been teaching me so many lessons in the midst of this long-term suffering, and these lessons have changed my world for the better and have freed me interiorly. I only wish I had understood some of this more fully sooner, because that would have spared me so much heartache during some very dark times. I feel like my call with this blog and with the talks I give is to share my experiences and the lessons God is teaching me with others so that it can lead them closer to God and help them on their journeys. God is bringing so much good out of my still bad situation. My life is a living example of Romans 8:28! I have been stripped of many attachments, have grown so much loser to God and am continuing to do so, have learned how to love better, and have learned how to participate in redemptive suffering in a deeper way. I have learned to aim for sainthood above all else! I am now giving numerous talks and parish missions, and it’s so encouraging to see tangible ways God is brining good out of my situation after TWENTY years of me not being able to see what He was up to here. I couldn’t be doing what I’m doing without His grace, or without the suffering I’ve endured and the lessons in embracing the cross. He was up to good all along, even and especially when I couldn’t see it with my human eyes.
How the Blog Started
Many people kept telling me I needed to write. I always felt called to write to share the spiritual lessons that God was teaching me in the midst of suffering, but I was thinking more of a book, not a blog. I never dreamt of blogging, but I felt called to share the spiritual lessons I was learning in a tangible way to others, because I knew how much I could have benefitted from reading about a fellow suffering Catholic’s spiritual journey during my own deepest struggles.
In 2019-2020, my spiritual director at the time was eager for me to start blogging. I took it to prayer, and God confirmed His desire for me to write and share but made it clear that it was not the time yet. So, I wrote for Him and for myself but not for others. I kept bringing the question of “when to start sharing this with others” to God at weekly adoration. Suddenly, one Friday I got a “yes, now” answer from Him in my heart when I was in adoration. I was surprised and chuckled because I didn’t know what was different about that Friday from the previous Friday (or any other day), but I went with it, came home, and started figuring out how to create a blog site. If you know me, you know that technology and web design are not particular gifts of mine, so that was an interesting process!
While still in the process of setting up the blog, the Covid shutdown began, and then I saw a little more clearly what He knew all along- that was the time He wanted my blog to launch because that was the time when everyone was struggling in one way or another, as comfort zones no longer existed. It was the perfect time to start speaking the messages He was giving me though suffering because they were relatable to such a cross-section of people- everyone was unsettled, looking for the truth and comfort, and had extra time in their day for reading. And so it began, in God’s time!
How the Blog Got its Name
The name “For the Greater Purpose” came to me during the first year of this illness, when I thought the title would be for a book. I knew that the suffering I was enduring had a greater purpose- it didn’t have to be empty suffering if I united my suffering to the cross, used it as a prayer, and was open to how God wanted to work through it. I knew the message of “for the greater purpose” was from God, because I could not have dreamt up that meaning on my own. One of the greatest gems of the Catholic faith is its teaching on the cross and redemptive suffering, and our participation in that. I had a lot to learn about it and still do, but God has shown me a beauty that I never before knew existed, much less in some very unfavorable conditions. God has shown me that He doesn’t need perfect circumstances to work- He isn’t bound by circumstances and can always bring good out of bad situations if we cooperate with His will.
Now
I’m trusting that God is bringing good out of my still bad situation, and I’m doing my best to cooperate with His plan here. I spend time in prayer and adoration discerning what He wants me to write about so that this blog is His will, not my will. I’m sharing the lessons He’s teaching me- the things He is setting my heart on fire about and stretching me to grow and see things in a completely different perspective! It’s been a challenging yet freeing journey. None of these spiritual lessons are a once-and-done type of thing, but I have grown a lot in the process, and I resolve to keep getting up every time I fall! Now I’m giving numerous talks and missions, which I absolutely love. I feel like I was born to serve the Lord in this way, and it’s so encouraging to watch Him bringing good out of my situation!
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