In a Nutshell
I was fine my whole life until I had my wisdom teeth removed- then everything changed in one day’s time. I’ve now been chronically ill for over 20 years with several significant medical issues that took many years to get properly diagnosed and are still not resolved. (Don’t worry, I still recommend the dentist, haha- these issues are very rare and specific to my case, but I happened to be that “one.”) I ended up being diagnosed with osteonecrosis (dead bone) of the jaw, in part due to a terrible infection in the bone, and in part due to a coagulation disorder I did not know I had where I build up too much fibrin. This coagulation issue caused me to not have proper blood flow to the initial surgical sites for healing to occur, and it has greatly impacted (and still impacts) the efficacy of treatments and subsequent surgeries in my case. Because the osteonecrosis, bone infection, and coagulation disorder went undiagnosed for so many years, this had a significant systemic effect on my body and caused many other issues.
I’ve had many surgeries with more on the way, and I have a highly unusual iron metabolism issue as a result of this. Additionally, a terrible mistake was made in my case years into this illness. Medically speaking, I should not be alive today because of that mistake, but here I am, so I know God has a plan. I was pretty much housebound for 10 years, and while I’m thankfully no longer housebound, I live in a lot of pain and have significant physical limitations. I look fine, but I live with a constant headache, severe muscle pain, daily vomiting, food intolerances, immune issues, etc. I’ve endured a lot of loss, including the loss of my father who died of cancer in 2009.
My life looks nothing like I thought or hoped it would- I don’t have my health, the career I wanted, or husband and children (at least not yet), but my faith has grown to a depth that I didn’t even know was possible as the Lord invited me to surrender to Him! I have a different view of everything now, understanding that being the woman God created me to be is not dependent on circumstances, and knowing that growing closer to God, getting to heaven, and helping others to do the same is all that really matters! God is teaching me so much about the cross and suffering, surrender, discernment, accompaniment, hope, joy, etc. in the midst of my trials, and I want to share these lessons in the hopes that these messages will help others as well!
Faith Background
I’m a cradle Catholic who grew up going to Mass and Catholic school. If you had asked me in high school how my faith was, I would’ve said that it was great, and at the time I believed that. Ha! Once I got sick though, I realized that I was unprepared to suffer despite the faith foundation I am grateful to have received from family, weekend Mass, and Catholic school.
When my health situation didn’t resolve quickly, some people exited my life. It took many years for me to even get properly diagnosed, and it was hard for people understand my situation. Two of my friends even mentioned suicide to me, saying that this was too hard on my parents and me. I realized that I had been unconsciously putting far too much importance on events, other people, and even ice cream- anything to look forward to basically, when what I needed to focus on was God. Absolutely everything is fleeting except for God!
I knew I had to bulk up on my faith and learn a lot more if I was going to get through this, but I had a lot of “why” questions. I was angry with God for allowing this to happen, and I felt that He loved others (who had smoother lives) more than He loved me. I struggled with the fact that I was never where I was “supposed to be” in life and never where others my age (or even those older or younger) were. I wanted to be healed and knew He could heal me, but why wasn’t that happening? Why do bad things happen to good people?
So I embarked on quite the faith journey- learning as much as I could via spiritual direction, spending time in adoration, listening to extra homilies, reading scripture, the Catechism, articles, and books, listening to podcasts, going to daily Mass more frequently, etc. I had so much to learn about surrender and opening my heart to Him. I had to let go of “my way” and “my ideas” to really learn how to discern and hear His voice, all the while accepting that He doesn’t always step in to prevent suffering. I had to bulldoze some of the (well-intentioned) things I had heard or been taught about the Catholic faith that were inaccurate, and I had to bulk up on things such as the Catholic teaching on the cross and redemptive suffering. It has not been (and still isn’t) an easy road, but Jesus has been walking with me every step of the way!
In the process of learning more about my faith out of desperation to stay afloat, I got to know God in a depth I hadn’t even realized was possible. He has been teaching me so many lessons in the midst of this long-term suffering, and these lessons have changed my world for the better and have freed me interiorly. I only wish I had understood some of this more fully sooner, because that would have spared me so much heartache during some very dark times. I feel like my call with this blog and with the talks I give is to share my experiences and the lessons God is teaching me with others so that it can lead them closer to God and help them on their journeys. God is bringing so much good out of my still bad situation- this is Romans 8:28 happening now.
Fun Facts: Some Things I love
- Sunsets
- Hibiscus flowers
- Walks in the neighborhood
- Swimming
- Laughing with friends
- Steak
- Warm chocolate chip cookies!
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