Falling in Love…with God

One time about 7 years ago when I went to confession, the priest gave me a sheet of paper with 4 different prayers/quotes on it. Which one the priest asked me to say for my penance is a mystery to me now because I was so struck by this quote that the others just faded into the background:

“Fall in Love”

Nothing is more practical than

finding God, than

falling in Love

in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with,

what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.

It will decide

what will get you out of bed in the morning,

what you do with your evenings,

how you spend your weekends,

what you read, whom you know,

what breaks your heart,

and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in Love, stay in love,

and it will decide everything.

Often attributed to Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ, but by Joseph Whelan, SJ

We all know this about being in love, but what did it mean to fall in love with God, and how would one even go about that? I knew there was such depth to this quote because of the way it captivated me after reading it just once. I loved God, but I couldn’t really say that I was “in love” with God in that consuming way. Yet we have examples of many people before us, now saints, who managed to fall in love with God and have their lives be witnesses to that reality, so I knew it was possible. I read the quote many times, wanting to feel those sentiments myself but acknowledging that I didn’t even know how to get there. I folded the sheet of paper and for years kept it on the table where I work, rereading it on a fairly regular basis.

Then in 2018, I attended a Lenten reflection where a priest spoke about various stages of relationship with God and about a closeness that I longed for but hadn’t yet achieved. At the end of his talk, I was “that person” who asked the question, “How do I achieve that level of closeness with God?” He said, simply enough, that you achieve that level of closeness with God the same way that you would with another person- by spending time with the person. Boom. I realized I wasn’t spending enough time with God. I was attending weekend Mass, praying daily, and reading scripture sometimes, but in reality I could do so much more. I decided to start going to adoration more frequently and reading scripture more often. Then the more time I spent with Jesus, the better I could hear what He was saying to me, because I was getting to know Him better.

But my imagination wasn’t seized by Him, and I still couldn’t say I was “in love” with God in that consuming way. Something else from the priest’s talk was the back of my mind though- when he mentioned obstacles to faith. Experience was showing me that I wasn’t going to make much headway in terms of falling in love with God if I didn’t work through the obstacles to my faith. At that time, the biggest obstacles to my faith were my anger toward God because of my situation and the “why” questions that continually haunted me- both of which were inhibiting my trust in Him. It’s really hard to be close to someone you don’t trust. Yikes. I needed to work on my heart.

Spiritual direction and diving deeper into the teachings and doctrines of the Church (particularly those about suffering- the topic I was struggling with the most), combined with spending more time in the presence of the Eucharist via daily Mass and adoration, helped me to overcome those obstacles. I learned more about God’s nature, especially from the Catechism and from St. Paul’s writings, and that paved a way for me to approach God with an attitude of trust, even when things don’t go as I wish. That trust was one step closer to falling in love with Him.

Once I was able to approach God from a different disposition of heart, the fruit of my time spent with Him multiplied exponentially! It was amazing. I started attending daily Masses, making frequent stops in the adoration chapel (even if for short increments), and listening to more Catholic podcasts and videos because I wanted to, not simply out of obligation or out of knowing that it was a good thing to do. That heart shift was a welcomed game-changer for me. I actually found myself wishing I was in the adoration chapel when I wasn’t, or upset if I wasn’t able to make daily Mass. To my surprise, I found myself falling in love with God.

Once you fall in love with God, everything is good different. Falling in love with God is indeed “falling in love in a quite absolute, final way” because God is always good, He never changes, and He is always here for us. Being in love with Him is not a fleeting thing- our hearts were actually created for Him, and He is perfect.

It’s a work in progress that will span the rest of my life, but I’ve been learning more of what it’s like to fall in love with God. It’s not just a feeling, and it’s not always euphoric. It’s a complete shift in your experience of… everything. It’s being captivated in a different way, in the way the heart was meant to be captivated. And honestly, this shift for me came out of the trenches. I could not have understood what it really meant to surrender until I lost so much and had so few distractions. I could not have seen the ways in which I was just going through the motions in my faith life until I reached such a level of desperation. The more poverty of heart I had, the more I realized my need for Him, and then the more space I had for Him who always wanted to be there in a consuming way.

With regards to that captivating quote, I can now finally say these things:

• My imagination is seized… by God- who He is, His goodness, His love for us, His plan for us, how He is bringing good out of my still bad situation, what He might be up to at any given moment, etc.
• Many days, the only thing that gets me out of bed is doing His will for me that particular day. It’s knowing that I’m still alive for a reason, and that I get to participate in that bigger plan, even when it’s veiled from me, and even when the day is hard.
• How I spend my evenings (aside from work) now very often includes 5:30 p.m. Mass, listening to Catholic podcasts while walking, writing, having meaningful conversations with others- things that the world may not appreciate despite their immense value.
• How I spend my weekends is geared toward what He wants of me- writing blog posts and talks, accompanying others, doing work on Saturday but making an effort not do work on Sunday, going to Mass and spending a little longer in adoration afterwards, etc.
• What I read is usually faith-based, as that’s what is most interesting to me now.
• The people I spend time with are those who encourage me in my faith and help me to be a better person. They pray for me, make me laugh, comfort me when I’m upset, teach me by example, and show me that I’m of value by their actions.
• The things that break my heart these days are concern about someone who is heading down a bad path, empathy toward someone going through difficulty, loss of things that are priceless like relationships, missed opportunities to do God’s will, etc.
• And for the best part, there are now SO many things that “amaze me with joy and gratitude.” #1 is being in the presence of the Eucharist at Mass and adoration- a comfort and a constant like none other! Others include conversations with friends that I cherish deeply, the beauty of flowers in my yard, gorgeous sunsets, the feeling of the breeze on my face, the roof over my head and comfortable mattress that I sleep on, the food I have to eat (even though it often does not stay down, haha), knowing that I was created by God out of love for a purpose, and knowing that there is something much bigger than the here and now.

Nowadays my thought process and what I place emphasis on is different, because at least to a degree, I’ve fallen in love with God. I’m no longer consumed with what would look good on a resume, what would make me look respectable to other people, what the world tells me I “should” have or “should” be doing, as I now understand the most important ways I can use my time cannot be put on a resume and often would not impress others. And I’m okay with that. Shows on TV that I used to find entertaining suddenly are no longer appealing, things I used to think I couldn’t live without no longer have a grasp on my heart, I’m okay not knowing what the future holds in life, and I have less anxiety, all because I’ve been changed by being in love with God. My thoughts have shifted to being more about Him (who He is, how much He loves, what He might be “up to” at any given moment, how I can participate with Him, etc.) than the rest of that other stuff.

Now this isn’t to say that those same obstacles from the past never creep up on me again (frequently!), or to say that new obstacles don’t arise. I’m still human, so I still struggle and have bad days! But God is always waiting for me to bring those hurdles to Him in faith instead of trying to handle them on my own.

Am I where I want to be? Absolutely not, and I won’t be this side of heaven. I can always grow more and fall in love with God more. The more I lean into the Lord, the more He reveals to me, then the deeper I know Him and the more I love Him… which then leads me to lean into Him more (isn’t it funny how that works?). A year from now I hope to be able to smile and see just how far I’ve come from where I am today, all because I’ll prayerfully be more in love with God than I am today.

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