A Full-Circle Moment

My story is one of a cradle Catholic who attended Mass and Catholic school her whole life but felt unprepared to suffer when life took an unexpected turn. It’s pretty ironic if you think about it (since teachings about the cross and suffering are some of the most beautiful gems of the Catholic faith), but I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I rarely heard those teachings discussed, especially in a complete way that connected what they meant for my daily life. I wasn’t getting the whole picture, and I didn’t even know that I had such gaps in my understanding of the faith.

Those gaps and misunderstandings set the stage for years of spiritual turmoil for me. Because I didn’t know some things about our faith that are of utmost importance but kept hearing other messages instead, it led to confusion and anguish on my part, as I entertained so many of the “why” questions and struggled to understand a God who, at the time, often seemed cruel to me. (Spoiler alert- He is not cruel at all!!!)

I found myself in a weird “in between” of knowing that my faith would be the only thing to sustain me through the significant suffering I was (and still am) enduring, and knowing that meant I had to really to bulk up on my faith in order for it to sustain me (“checking all the boxes” for a Catholic of my age at the time wasn’t enough). So I ended up diving deep- listening to extra homilies, reading Catholic writings, going through the Bible and Catechism, and going to spiritual direction. It was truly the combination of those things that got me over the hump to where I am today spiritually. My relationship with God today is much deeper than I ever knew was possible, even when I thought I was in a good place in my faith. Knowing and better understanding His love and the cross have been real game-changers for me in the midst of these continued health challenges.

In December I had the honor of being the keynote speaker at a retreat, as my current (for several years now) spiritual director asked me to do this. The Holy Spirit took over as I prayed would happen, and the talk went very well. I’ve spoken at several things in the past, so this was not new to me, but this recent experience was especially profound for 2 reasons:

1. I was able to see how much I’ve grown spiritually, especially over the past year. The testimony I gave in December was not one I could’ve given 10 or 20 years ago for sure. In fact, it was a fuller testimony than one I gave 9 months ago at another talk that also went well. It was convicting for me to realize that had my health situation been resolved even just one year ago, I wouldn’t spiritually be where I am today. Oof! Not that God has withheld healing from me for that reason, but under His permissive will, and as my medical situation has perpetuated for reasons of the flesh out of my control, God is bringing good out of my situation and pulling me closer to Him. Amen! God is constantly working on my heart, helping me grow in understanding of Him, and bringing good out of my still bad situation, when I can see it and when I can’t see it… though it’s much nicer when I can see it. 🙂
2. My spiritual director was there for my December talk, as it is his current parish where he had invited me to speak. It was amazing to have him pray with me before and then to see him sitting in the back, smiling as I spoke. He has seen me greatly struggle with so many spiritual things, so it was such a gift for me to see him witnessing the good that’s coming from this, especially since he has played a such a role in my spiritual growth. I was able to present several spiritual lessons that I deeply struggled with for so long, struggles through which he accompanied and directed me. It was an exciting full-circle moment to be able to present on things that I wrestled with for so long, see myself on the other side of those spiritual struggles, and have my spiritual director there to witness it. What a gift.

Perhaps the most interesting part is that this beautiful full-circle moment happened while I’m still in the midst of the trial. I’m still in the trenches of significant physical suffering, and this ordeal is not near behind me yet, but that didn’t limit God. He didn’t have to wait for “down the road” or “better.” He still used it for good now. I used to think there would be a good testimony once I was well and God had healed me. Instead, God is showing me that He can still use me to testify to the faith, to the truth, while still in the midst of the mess…because He is not limited by circumstances. I could be on the other side of certain spiritual struggles before the driving circumstances that led me to those struggles were even any different, thanks to God’s grace. Wow. The reason I can testify to the truth that is our Catholic faith is because it has been the ONLY thing capable of sustaining me through this long-term suffering. And it’s sustaining me while the suffering is still ongoing.

I’m seeing a lot of good come out of just this one talk in December- things I never expected, both from people I know and those I did not know. Witnessing first-hand what God is doing with this has made me even more in awe of His power. I know God is always working through redemptive suffering when we cooperate with Him, and what a relief that is. Still, in my weakness and humanity, it’s nice when I can see good tangible things coming out of my situation. But even if I could see no good coming from this, I know how deeper my relationship with God is now, and isn’t that the point of life? It’s not something you can put on a resume, but it’s literally everything.

Then last week at daily Mass, and the gospel acclamation hit home for me:

May the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ enlighten the eyes of our hearts, that we may know what is the hope that belongs to our call.

see Ephesians 1:17-18

The hope that belongs to our call. How beautiful is it to view our individual and collective calls through the lens of hope, especially when we are tired and can easily feel burdened, especially when the call isn’t something that’s noteworthy in our world. It’s all about a bigger plan than we can see- it’s about hope. It’s about God wanting our hearts and wanting us to help each other along that journey of truly loving Him and living for Him.

Then the priest gave a great homily on the first reading that day (from 1 Samuel 16:1-13). In the reading, God told Samuel He was sending him to Jesse of Bethlehem, but Samuel responded by asking how this would happen without Saul killing him. Not a light question! But God had devised another way. It’s not a detail I caught from the reading, but the homily brought this to light for me. God had Samuel enter the city in a different way- via a position of offering sacrifice to the Lord instead of a position of power. What a lesson about the ability of God to do the seemingly impossible, but also a lesson about the importance of sacrifice (and therefore humility). It resonated with me on so many levels because I finally get (a piece of) it. God can always make another way. And isn’t that what He’s doing with my life?

All of these happenings affirm for me God’s love, majesty, and omniscience. After over 20 years of physical suffering (that’s still ongoing), the testimony I gave at a retreat last month impacted people I knew and people I didn’t know, beyond what I could’ve done (because this was not of me). I’m where I am now spiritually because of God’s grace, God’s word, the teachings of the Catholic faith, and the influence of others, such as my spiritual director. God used my spiritual director’s “yes” to accompany me in my situation to get me over some big obstacles to my faith, and then I was able to share the other side of the struggles with the retreat group at my spiritual director’s parish. Then God tied even more together for me in Mass. What a positive full-circle moment!

God works in unexpected ways- ways we cannot understand or fathom as humans. The things we put great weight on in our lives and in our world are often not the things of utmost importance. But when we cooperate with God’s will and plan, He can use anything for His greater glory. He can use anything in our lives to bring us closer to Him and closer to heaven, and to bring others closer to Him and closer to heaven as well. Amen.

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